Hey homies. Let’s go.
Guess what? I went to Disneyland last week. (Do you capitalize the L in that? So it’s DisneyLand? Nope, that looks wrong.) And no, I don’t have kids. And yes everyone I went with was over the age of 21. Lame? Maybe just a little bit. But it’s like the happiest place on earth right? Wrong! Well maybe it can be.
world of color etched from buzz lightyears laser in mickeys fart cloud
In honor of this past week of Disneyland I wanted to 1st) show you this video and 2nd) talk about my experience. There are 5 things about Disneyland that you don’t read about on myawesomespectaculartriptodisneylandforafamilyandjoyousbonding.blogspot.com. I know, I went there. Weird.
As many of you know, I like Disneyland. What you may not know is that I’m an impatient whiny butt (ok you know that too) and that Disneyland is actually all WAITing. But with my A.D.D there are ways to get around that.
Here are my things:
thing 1) Everything in life should have a support group. Have hemorrhoids? Go to group. Have a bad haircut? Go talk about it with your group. I didn’t know this until I went, but there is a free “impatient line waiters” support group and I found out that many people are way worse than I am. It’s called talking to the people in line! The crazy thing about Disneyland is that everyone thinks that they are the most special people in the world and that they, for whatever reason, should be treated special. I was included in this mess.
It’s something about walking through those Disneyland gates that makes you think you are freaking awesome and that you should be escorted to the front of the line and every second should be catered to you. It’s not natural. You need support, because if the whole time in Disneyland you think that way and you will die. Get help, talk to your line support group, and they will make you realize you are just a hopeful retard like everyone else, so wait patiently!
thing 2) Go to Disneyland on notable group days! Im talking about designated days for certain groups. Like Mothers Across America days or Anaheim Regional Patients Days, or the days that we went on, the Anaheim Gay Days. That’s right, this is the secret weapon!
Everyone knows that Disneyland does not give discount tickets. It is like nearly impossible to find any sort of deal on a ticket. But not many people know that Disney gives discounts to these groups!
No, I’m not gay, but I sure don’t mind them when they throw a city wide event at Disneyland! We signed up on their website, and badda-bing-badda-boom, we got $50 off on a 2 day hopper pass. You are saving your family $50 a ticket by being a pretend member of the group. That makes you an outstanding member of your family. Now go buy yourself that extra popcorn in the park, you can afford it!
thing 3) Fastpass masters. Everyone knows that the point of a fastpass is to skip all the chumps in line and get on the ride before all of them while they give you the stink eye. So whats the catch? Every ride has a line to get a fastpass! The new carsland racers had a 45min or more wait to even get a fast pass.
So how do you beat the system? You go in the exit! Disney always has a worker watching the exit, but almost never are they actually watching the exit. The workers are helping people who don’t know how to put their park pass into the machine so it spits out a fast pass. So when the workers are helping these fast pass handicaps you can literally slip in the exit, claim a machine, swipe your park passes for you group, and get a fast pass in less then a minute. I did this every time. If you get caught, just say your doctor doesn’t want you to stand for more than 10 minutes due to a lack of unicorn like strength in your back.
thing 4) With Disney employees you always win.
Disney Employee: “Sir these fastpasses expired 3 hours ago”
Me: “I was in the bathroom” (I got on the ride, I won)
Disney Employee: “Sir please stop screaming”
Me: “I’m scared of this freaky snow white ride!” (I continued screaming, I won)
Disney Employee: “Sir please wait in line”
Me: “I can’t, I have back problems” (I win)
Disney Employee: “Sir, please walk!”
Me: (Running and not acknowledging him. I won.)
thing 5) Want some real Disney magic? Download the Disney Parks app. That thing is a beauty! Everything about this app is lazy. You want to go on Space Mountain? Don’t want to go over there to see the line wait time is because your feet hurt? Well look up the wait time and see if there are fast passes left. Sort of tired and extremely full from the 4 Dole Whips you had? And want to see when a show is? Look it up on the app. That way you probably won’t need a wise old tour guide lady to show you around the park. Then you can go on this sweet ride like 5 times.
So now go to Disneyland! Tell em T.RICH sent ya. They’ll know who I am, I think my wanted poster is on main street now…